The future looks Brite.

After what seems like an eternity, I am happy to announce that I have been accepted to - and will be attending - Brite Divinity School's Ph.D. program for Biblical Interpretation. My fellowship includes full tuition and a stipend of $5,200 (renewable until my fourth year), with additional funds available through graduate or teaching assistantships. If there has ever been a sign of God's faithfulness, provision, and blessing - this is certainly it. I feel humbled to be given this opportunity to pursue future study and to eventually be able to share what I have learned with others.

 

Brite Divinity School

Fort Worth, Texas

Now that you know where I am now, I'd like to take you on my own journey through what I experienced as I applied to and waited for the responses from the Ph.D. programs.

First, I want to say the following: the Ph.D. application process is awful.
There is nothing fun about it. The only redeeming aspect is the hope that you won't have to do any of this - applications, recommendation letters, GRE studying - ever again.
But therein lies a key component to the experience - the unknown.

This is how I felt for most of February.

The Unknown

 

When we say "I trust you, God," do we mean what we say?
The Unknown was a beast that forced me to grapple with three things: trust in God, my own identity/sense of calling, and the decision to move forward toward an uncertain future. While I could write a novel about each of these, I want to focus on trusting in God and my identity.

Trust

 

Prior to this process, I thought I trusted in God. Perhaps I have, at times, trusted in God.
But I can guarantee that it has never been tested like it was during this season.
I cannot count the number of times I had to restrain my mind from tracing out all the alternate realities should all of my prospective schools fall through. It was difficult to maintain composure when all I could sense was a void stretching out endlessly in front of me.

Identity 

 

The Unknown also affected my identity. For years I have struggled with who I am, my gifts, and how to best use them. When you struggle with your identity, you also struggle with how to receive praise. You start looking for affirmation in all the wrong places. For me, I understood that I had been given some measure of wisdom and intelligence - but I sought to affirm it in all the wrong places and in all the wrong ways. Prior to my experience here at George Fox, I desperately wanted to receive glowing compliments on my work from advisors and peers, hoping that their words of encouragement and praise would make me feel whole. But even when those comments and praises came, I continued to hunger, driven to be affirmed by more people. Fortunately, starting last year and reaching its zenith during this Ph.D. process, I began to understand that my affirmation and encouragement should be located within God. If what I am doing is pleasing to God, the Spirit will confirm my work and my decisions.

It was battle to constantly wrestle with my identity. I often found myself fighting through my own internal discussions on a daily basis between January and late March, constantly agonizing over what I was doing with my life and what would become of all my "work" should I not get into a funded Ph.D. program this season. But I came to (or was given) this insight: you are not what you do.
Even if I had not been accepted to Brite and had to stay in Portland another year (or more), I would (and should not) be defined by what I do. Though my work should be evidence of who I am, it is not what principally defines the parameters of my identity. I am who I am in Christ - and everything else should flow out of that understanding. Despite having learned this truth long ago, it was the Ph.D. process that finally solidified it as the central concept in knowing myself.


There are many, many more things to write about my experience, but I want to leave you with my experience in finding out I was accepted by Brite.

When we pulled into our parking lot, knowing that the letter containing either a rejection or an acceptance was sitting in our mailbox...

When I saw that the letter from Brite was sitting right in front of me...

When I opened the letter, I saw multiple pages...

And then, when I saw that I was accepted AND I got a stipend of over $5,000 (the max is $7,000), I did something like this...

We still need to address the remaining money needed to live each year (because $5,200 will not be enough), but we are confident in God's leading and provision. As both Larissa and I have learned through this season, trusting involves a great deal of prayer, sweat, and hope.


We're thankful that all of you will be joining us on our journey forward.
To God be the Glory.