Motherhood: A Beautiful Mess

Even as a young girl, I remember having a strong desire to be a mother. After I married Zac and watched my friends become mothers, I remember longing for it and being envious of that thing called motherhood that I so desired. And then, I became a mother - and it wrecked me. It was a bitter, ugly, painful yet beautiful, life-giving, life-changing sort of wrecking that has continued in a constant cycle  of building up, tearing down, gutting out and rebuilding once again.

God has used the gift of motherhood to transform my life - one child at a time, one year at a time, one day and one moment at a time - and for that, I am eternally grateful. Motherhood has been a journey both messy and beautiful, exposing my deepest and darkest flaws, seeming to take me backward in my character growth by proving me to be less loving, less patient, less gracious, less humble, less forgiving than I ever imagined. But then, through stretching and refining, losing and dying, I've seen my heart grow in capacity for compassion, endurance for long suffering and waiting...waiting...waiting, humbled on a daily basis and more ready and willing to pour out the grace that has already been poured out for me.

Day by day, I am becoming more and more beautiful and whole. Like a mirror that was once shattered and tarnished with dirt and decay, piece by piece I am being scrubbed clean and put back together, reflecting the beauty of Jesus - my Rescuer, Redeemer and Refiner.

Some days I need to remind myself of this big picture of transforming grace, because some days I feel more broken than whole.  As a friend so perfectly described it, my "every effort a blend of virtue and vice" (thanks Jaimi Vander Berg!), often on the heavy side of vice. Some days I wish my motherhood away - even if just for a moment. Overwhelmed by the clutter and chaos, exhausted by the sleepless nights and draining days, weary of the relentless demands and insatiable needs - I think, "If only I could have one moment of peace and quiet, STOP the insanity, put everything in its place, have my body untouched by needy hands, have my clothes unstained by spit-up and grime, and be surrounded by pleasant behavior and people who appreciate me!"

Some days I need to pause and remind myself that each tantrum, each whine, every wounded tear or needy cry, every sibling fight, every hurtful word or kick or roar at my face is another opportunity for growth and grace. Another opportunity to recognize my own neediness and turn to the life-sustaining Holy Spirit's power that empowers me to meet the needs of my children with love, patience, wisdom and grace.

Motherhood - messy and beautiful.
A beautiful mess.

With love to each of my three children who call me Mommy 

and help me along this crazy wild journey. 

(Maybe someday I won't have to threaten and bribe you to want to take a picture with me! ;p)

And love to my husband to helps me laugh through the insanity

 and shares in both joy and struggle.

Xoxo,
Mommy