Somewhere along the line of trying to live out this command, I realized I had a problem. My love for others, though outwardly seemed compassionate and sacrificial, was very often driven out of a motivation of self - feeding my pride, attempting to manipulate certain responses, and usually in expectation of something in return. When those attempts failed or expectations went unmet, my "love" often turned to bitterness or resentment.
Lord, cleanse my heart and show me where my love is still about my gain.
And then I realized I had a even bigger problem: I did not love myself.
I had allowed lies to tell me that I was unwanted, unworthy and unlovable - but these lies were so deceptive I believed them as truth, even as I fought to prove them wrong.
I tried to love without truly knowing Love, and my love continually ran dry.
How can you love someone else as yourself if you do not love yourself?
How can you pour out affection if you have no source from which to draw?
And yet, with all tenderness and grace, Love pursued me.
"Love one another as I have loved you." John 15:12
The standard of love is not the love I have for myself.
The standard is the love that Jesus has for me:
Love that sees me at my very worst and yet calls me "Beloved."
Love that placed such great value on my life that He laid down His life.
Sacrificially, unconditionally, intimately.
I was asked a question that struck a chord in my heart:
"Love comes before law. Before you are called to love anyone else deeply,
have you grasped the love of God for YOU?"
I realized that no, I had not fully grasped how wide and long and high and deep God's love is for me - personally and intimately. I knew that God loved me, and I loved Him in return - but I did not grasp the extent to which He loves me, all of me, lavishly in spite of and outside of what I do or don't do. He fully knows and fully loves. He delights in me and delights in revealing His goodness and love to me.
I had been invited to a seat at the banquet table, but instead of sitting and enjoying a sustaining and fulfilling feast, I had been crawling around on the floor subsisting off the crumbs found underneath the table. Even now I know that I have only had but a taste, but that taste has left me overwhelmed by His extravagant, endless love.
The more I soak and saturate in God's love the bigger and more beautiful and more wonderful it becomes. And as this limitless love is poured into me, it pours out. Abiding in God's love, in Jesus' love for me has transformed the way I love others. I find myself aching with deep love for my children in a way I have never felt before, and in the face of hitting hands and hostile screams, I am able (at times) to pull from God's limitless love for me and pour it out in quiet kindness. Instead of the tendency toward bitterness and resentment toward my husband, I have found myself leaning toward grace and unconditional service. I am learning to love people simply to love them, without wanting them to love me in return.
One cannot love others until experiencing and knowing God's love. And the more one rests in God's love, the more that love pours out to others. And the more one loves people, the more one experiences the love of God. It is a beautiful unending cycle.
Beloved to love, to be loved.
“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you."
John 15:9-12
May you be overwhelmed by the deep and endless love of God made known to us through Jesus Christ, and may it overflow in and through you to others.
- - - -
What have we been up to as a family? Well, to be honest - from the latter part of January until now we have been in survival mode. Zac and I got very, very sick with the cold/cough version of the flu. Zac ended up with walking pneumonia. I ended up with swollen and inflamed vocal cords that continued to get worse over the course of a month and now I am on vocal rest - no singing and limited light talking. Then one of my molars broke off and I ended up with a root canal and crown. Somehow we managed to keep our kids alive and are still getting settled in our home! But truly, God continued to provide for us and our physical, financial and emotional needs through His goodness and mercy and through the generosity of our family. We are exceedingly grateful!
Zac is taking language exams for Spanish, French and Hebrew and is ramping up to begin studying for his qualifying exams. He got to go to a special "Desserts with Dads" with Zoë and was treated like royalty. :)
Zac is taking language exams for Spanish, French and Hebrew and is ramping up to begin studying for his qualifying exams. He got to go to a special "Desserts with Dads" with Zoë and was treated like royalty. :)
I had the privilege of taking Zoë for her first rollerskating experience. What fun! It brought back memories of middle school...
Zoë was honored by having her artwork showcased at a city-wide event. She was very excited about her blue ribbon! We are continually amazed by her creativity and the beauty of her creations both on paper and on the piano.
Zoë's celebration of 100 days of school
with 100 pompoms.
Mr. Isaiah is growing up to be quite the sweet-hearted, spunky and silly little boy!
Mommy's little helper ;)
We made krumkake - a Norwegian cookie made with a waffle-like iron that my grandma gave me a few years ago. They were delicious!
This is the most beautiful time of the year in Texas - lovely warm days (but not too hot) with sunshine and spring blooms. We took as many opportunities to get out and enjoy it as we could!
Both of our kids LOVE to climb trees.
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