Thrashing limbs and gnashing teeth
Hot fire bursting from its nostrils
Growls that erupt into a earth-shaking roar
It sounds like something from a fictional horror film, but it is uncomfortably close to reality.
This is the creature I have come to call "Monster Mommy," the terrifying beast that takes over
When I have reached the end of my limit
When my sleep-deprivation has truly unleashed insanity
When my patience has been worn thread bare
When my authority has been sassed, ignored, defied and trampled on one too many times
When my anger has slowly boiled up into a raging fury.
Monster Mommy: ugly and horrifying. It appears in a moment, sometimes without warning, with such intensity at times that it seems uncontrollable.
And yet, it is the emergence of Monster Mommy that brings me to my knees, broken, empty and humbled at the feet of Jesus.
For it is in those moments that I am forced to recognize my insufficiency, my imperfection, my brokenness. All that is dark and ugly and poisonous is spewed out of the hiding places of my heart and brought embarrassingly into light. I am reminded of my desperate need for a Savior to rescue me from the "wretch that I am" (Romans 7:24) and of my utter reliance on grace. Grace upon grace.
It has been said that parenting is a boot camp for holiness; an intense training course in sanctification. Children are one of God's primary tools to work holiness in to our lives, and work the monstrosities out. While Monster Mommy still rears its ugly head every once in awhile, I am encouraged by the evidence of true change over the nearly five years of being a mom - of more holiness in and more "monster" out.
Sometimes my eyes become wild with fury and I see my reflection in the eyes of my children. In a flash of conviction, I am reminded, "This is not who I am." And my eyes soften.
Sometimes my voice begins to growl and I hear a soft whisper saying, "You have a choice to make. You can choose to give in to the rage, or you can choose to let go." And I find the Spirit-given strength to breathe out peace and speak with soft and gentle words.
Sometimes my voice begins to growl and I hear a soft whisper saying, "You have a choice to make. You can choose to give in to the rage, or you can choose to let go." And I find the Spirit-given strength to breathe out peace and speak with soft and gentle words.
And sometimes I give in. Sometimes I let Monster Mommy consume my identity if but for a moment. Even in this moment there is grace - the conviction comes ringing loud and clear. In this moment, my heart heavy with regret is ripe for repentance, and as I draw my children into my embrace and beg for their forgiveness, we are able to come before Jesus together in prayer, each one broken, each one sinful, each one needing a Savior. A beautiful mess.
I have come to see Monster Mommy as a thorn, similar to the one the Apostle Paul speaks of in 2nd Corinthians 12:8-10. A thorn to keep me humble, to keep me close to Jesus. In my weakest moments, I am reminded of God's tender response,
"My grace is sufficient for you
for my power is made perfect in weakness."
And so I am thankful for a cause to force me to my knees, to allow Christ's strength to move in on my weakness and take over. I am grateful for my weakness which prevents me from becoming dependent on my own strength and exposes my continuous need for Jesus. I am thankful for opportunity to show to my children both the grace and the power of God at work in my life. And I am grateful that little by little, I see the fruit of the Spirit's work of sanctification - more holiness in, more monster out.
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
Happenings at the Poppen House:
Isaiah transitioned into a big boy bed. For his safety and our loss of sanity.
(It has been rough.)
But at least part of the difficulty is trying to prevent them
from giggling and playing with one another at night...
Isaiah watching his cousins :)
"Q" for Queen Zoë!
We enjoyed a fun and much appreciated visit from Didi! She showered us with love and gifts and much needed items and made midterm week so much more bearable for us as a family (though she couldn't do too much to help make it more bearable for Zac). We love you Didi!!
On one of our days we took a trip to the Butterfly Garden
Isaiah was curious and slightly afraid of these creatures
Photo Credit to Deb Poppen
Photo Credit to Deb Poppen
And a couple of videos to give you a taste of the action ;)
Zoë is performing one of her piano pieces (which she enhanced by adding harmony of a perfect 5th all on her own!) and Isaiah is doing his favorite two things - playing with cars and wanting to do whatever big sister is doing. ;)
P.j. dance party. Isaiah requested this song by singing "City....ROLL!"
Check out Zoë's moves!
No comments:
Post a Comment